In the Shadow of the Church
by Mapo2812
Summary: A collection of brief moments shared between Kotomine Kirei and his terminally ill wife, Ortensia. Updated whenever.
1. Chapter 1

((There isn't really going to be a plot to this fic - it'll be a series of short moments illustrating my interpretation of the relationship between Kirei and his wife whose maiden name is Ortensia.

Updated whenever I feel like it.

I wonder if this will ever end...))

* * *

><p>Their wedding was a quiet affair, done in a small local church with only their closest family and relatives present as guests. Neither bride nor groom had ever seen each other, so they went through their vows with apathetic sincerity.<p>

She was still well enough, back then, to walk. The sparkle of the fancy silver and jade hairpin - green, to bring good fortune to the new family - that had been an early wedding gift from a member of her family brought out the life that still existed in her eyes. When she tried wearing it again a few months later, her head bowed under its weight. She smiled sadly and clung to his hand, as if to say, "It's alright, I have you now."

* * *

><p>...The chapters get longer. They float around 250 words, on average.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Their first night together was a little awkward, as it would be for many newly wed couples. So, they each did what they were told that they should do. At the end of it, she felt, perhaps, a little more connected to him, and as she lingered on the boundary of sleep, she told herself, "I will love him."

And she did, after a while.

Their first day together was worse, because nobody had really told them what to do, how to live with someone who had been a stranger just a day ago. The servants served their meals, and they ate together in near-silence. She strove to make conversation at times, and they would talk about the weather, the recent goings-on in the neighbourhood, brief discussions that soon faded back into silence.

In the spaces between their dialogues, he thought about what marriage was meant to be. He told himself, "I will love her."

But he never did.


	3. Chapter 3

She always felt guilty for being useless, for being a bother to take care of. So, whenever she felt well enough, she'd push herself into getting up and pretending to be a normal wife.

That afternoon, she'd talked the servants into letting her cook dinner. Her husband would be returning from his latest mission that evening, and she wanted to offer him a pleasant surprise by making what she'd heard was his favourite food - mapo tofu.

By the time he arrived, however, she had collapsed and had been carried back to her bed. He picked up the plate of food that she'd cooked and stared into its garish blend of colours, wondering why she would do such a thing.

He brought it to his room and ate it by her bedside, listening to her apologies with an inscrutable expression.

"I'm sorry I can't do more for you, Kirei."  
>"No, what you do is enough."<br>"Well? Do you like it?"  
>"...It is quite good."<p>

In truth, the dish was very mediocre. However, he was certain of the affection she had poured into it - and thus, he could call it "good" in perfect honesty.


	4. Chapter 4

Most of her remaining life was spent waiting, waiting for the man she loved to return. She would occupy herself with books, with embroidery, or with prayers for his safety. She would gaze out of the window, wondering where his work had taken him this time, what kinds of dangers he was facing.

Sometimes, she would wonder... if he might never return.

Always, she pushed the thought aside. Her husband was a strong and capable man, she knew. He would not falter for even a moment in his faith or work. He would perform his duties to perfection. He would certainly return to her side.

When he did, the happiness that bloomed in her heart was enough to make up for the wait.

She would always greet him with a joy reflected in her smile. He would smile, too, but there would always be something wrong, something missing - something empty about his expression.

She made up her mind that if there was nothing else she could do, she would at least try to understand - to eventually heal that emptiness.

And so, without a single complaint, she spent most of her pitifully short remaining life waiting.


	5. Chapter 5

Saint Thomas Aquinas said that love came from the will. Love was the act of consistently making choices for another person s benefit. This was the view accepted by most devout Catholics.

By this definition, he could be entirely honest in claiming that he loved his wife.

He had arranged her life to her liking, ensuring that she lived in as much comfort as her health would permit. He spent as much time as he could with her, given the demands of his occupation. Any observer would consider him an exemplary husband.

However, he himself could never say so. All his actions came from his sense of duty, from the same dispassionate dedication with which he pursued his fruitless training. If one were to ask why, even as he behaved as befitted a husband, he could not say to his wife the simple words, I love you , he could only answer thus-

A clergyman is not permitted to lie.

Admittedly, he, too, found his reluctance to say those words strange, at first. St Aquinas, and all his peers and betters in the Church, would agree that his actions showed love , and that there would be no untruth in claiming to love a woman he had done so much for. Eventually, though, he accepted his reluctance - no, perhaps it was more like inability - to say it as a signal of some sort from his ever-reliable intuition. He thought no more of it after that.

No, he refused to think of it any more.


	6. Chapter 6

She began, eventually, to realise the extent of his emptiness. It never seemed to lessen, even as she forced herself to smile whenever he was nearby, or took him into her frail arms and tried to heal his heart.

Still, there was at least one more thing that she, and only she, could do.

One day, she told him that she wanted to bear him a child.

It was said that the transformation of a man when he became a father was more powerful even than the changes he underwent due to marriage. Of course, she firmly believed that if nothing else, this would certainly allow him to find, somewhere in his heart, the ability to love.

I m sure... we will have a beautiful child. Saying this, she smiled at him gently.

Mm. His noncommittal reply failed to dampen her confidence. Perhaps that was because she did not know that he could never see beauty in what most people considered beautiful.

Hey, do you want a boy or a girl? She pressed on, undaunted.

...Whichever you prefer. His reply showed how much he cared about his wife s opinions - or at least it would, to a casual observer. She had long since understood that he, quite simply, had no opinion.

Well, his lack of enthusiasm now would not prevent her little plan from bearing fruit, she decided. It was the duty of a family to raise the next generation. One as responsible and devout as he could not reject this idea.

Surely, when he held his new son or daughter in his arms, he would finally find happiness.


	7. Chapter 7

On occasion, he questioned whether he was a good husband. Perhaps he spent too little time at home with his wife. Perhaps he, who had left a trail of bodies behind him, whose hands were stained in blood again and again, did not deserve to start a family.

Perhaps he didn t even want to.

Still, the Church taught that the purpose of marriage was procreation. When his wife had raised this topic between them, he had refused on the grounds of her poor health and how busy he was due to work - but she had replied that she would be fine, really, and she and the maids could care for the child. In the end, he had fallen silent before asking for some more time to think.

He stood at a corner of the balcony, gazing dispassionately at the familiar scenery of suburban Rome. His father had called this place beautiful , but he himself felt nothing for it.

His wife had assured him that their child would be beautiful . So, he wondered, would he care at all for the child?

Well, there was a slight chance that he would find something as he took on the role of a father. Any chance was worth taking. He wondered why he had tried so hard to disagree with his wife s suggestion - and quickly wrote it off as a lapse in judgement.

He refused to accept what he subconsciously understood - that the child would not give him the answer he sought. 


	8. Chapter 8

Even in her pregnancy, she tried her best to avoid troubling him. She resisted the effects of her hormones with sheer willpower and refused to utter a single complaint even as she visibly weakened day after day. Yes, she had known that her body was not strong enough for childbearing. Even so, she believed that she could see this through, because the strength of her mind was surely enough to make up for her physical weakness.

And if even that failed... She was sure that her husband had enough strength for both of them.

No. She smiled, correcting herself. He would have to have the strength of three, now.

Even though her child was still too small to sense with her body - it had only been two months, after all - she was certain that she could feel it with her heart. Now that she thought of it, it was the first thing they had created together since they had formed this family.

With a satisfied sigh, she shifted her position in her bed. It was one of the few nights when the couple could share a bed; often, he was away for work, or she was so ill that she had to rest alone.

Gently, she lay her hand on the soft skin that would soon begin to bulge with a new life.

She s a girl, she whispered to herself. It was simply her sharp intuition, made even sharper now that she was a mother. Her daughter would surely be born with a pure heart. Which of them would she look like? Either way, she would certainly be beautiful - like a gentle white flame, perhaps, that could thaw her husband s heart.

The warmth of the man beside her made it difficult to believe that his heart had frozen to such an extent that he was unaware of his own love for others. If anything could awaken him to that, it was fatherhood.

Yes, her husband was a strong man, and strong men tended to neglect their own emotions. That was why she had to express not only her own love, but also the love that was surely hidden in her heart.

If he had to be her strength...

Then she had to be his heart. 


End file.
